When you feel empty and there are no words to guide you through. No words to construct a sentence to be vulnerable to tell someone how you feel. What do you do? Do you drink a bottle of wine? Do you get stoned? Do you stuff your face with cheap crisps? Or does your self sabotage go deeper than that? There’s no concentration, there’s no communication, there’s no immediate cure. What happens next? How do you get through tonight? How do you get through tomorrow? How do you keep swimming against the current to resume your natural ebb and flow?

Classic quoted instagram pictures “just keep going no matter how hard the journey is” “there’s always light in the dark” that’s okay, that may work for some but for EID that means as much as remind me to get milk. Irrelevant verbiage and patronising comments can sometimes leave the deflation obviously invisible. Empty glasses, empty conversations, empty actions. Why do we allow ourselves to let this affect us so? The reflection can be more difficult than the bare train of thought.

New year obviously comes with it the battered old cultured “new resolutions” so instead of putting added pressure on myself, giving into peer pressure or letting my EID in control of a simple concept I have decided to turn it around. Instead of “I musts” I am going to present myself with “I mustn’ts” instead of I should I will swap with I shouldn’t. Instead of do this do that how about we stop and say let’s not or don’t do.

So instead of I will start running.

I won’t walk as much. I

will read four books a month.

I won’t read less than three.

I think by replacing an aggressive verbiage with slightly less passive aggressive verbiage It may just take a bit of strain of those ghastly reminders to say instead of “were not doing enough” to “we should do more of”

Just a thought 💭

90% of people dislike getting up early in the morning and if you belong in the 10% bracket then you’re too happy or you’re a steroid head who cannot disturb their dawn workout schedule. In all seriousness as a parent with eid it is difficult to get up – note this doesn’t apply to every parent with eid – my higher dose of medication can prove difficult to break a slumber if I take it too late or I’ve missed a couple of days. 

So straight away I felt like a failure. But you’re unconscious ability to parent kicks in even when your mind is  a beach; flooded with emotion, waves of anxiety lashing up up and down the rocks, overly sized foam tide heads whining and whinging. Keeping these natural elements at bay proved tiring yet I still got my child to school on time. Anyone without eid would say: “hey, you woke up later than intended yet in just fifteen minutes you managed to get up get ready and get your child to school! Well done you! Wooo!” 

 I can see this positive view now but at the time I panicked, sweated and damn near nearly lost my cool because in my head, I’ve overthought, what if her grandad waiting to drive her to school thinks I’m incapable of being a parent, what if I become the hot topic in the staff room today. 

I’ve really been trying to lower my expectations of being a perfect parent. Honestly how can I try and have a good day after the thoughts and feelings of the morning. I still managed to get my child to school promptly but I’m still a failure for not waking up on time.

First of what shall we call it? Borderline personality disorder? Emotional intensity disorder? Emotionally unstable personality? (The last was from wiki, never heard of it being labelled that in all honesty but, adds to the fire if you like) 

With words which are heavy in their meaning, a diagnosis is always confusing and unnerving; I’ve always had a theory for mental health in a personified analogy. Mental health could be seen as the way some people treat big dogs. 

Now I don’t mean you’re cute yellow labradors or sheep herding border collies, I mean big ass dogs such as American bulldogs, pit bulls,mastiffs or anything with a jaw size that has been reported in narrow minded tabloids over the summer as ruining family holidays when one rips a face off an innocent child. I’ve grown up with large breeds of dogs and I know the feeling oh to well when you’re walking your dog and someone crosses the road or dramatically gathers a staggering toddler into their arms all too quick. Or when they’re quick to comment on its size and why I shouldn’t have it. 

Its the feeling of the unknown. This in my opinion is the same for mental health people are scared of what they don’t know, of what might bite them in the ass (no pun intended) 

Yes of course some dogs can be vicious and nervous but not all them are, most of the time the dogs behaviour and actions could be avoided with the correct training, time and care. This also applies to mental health. If symptoms are recognised and the correct treatment is applied your mental heath can be improved and even highlighted. Please don’t get me wrong a lot of people want to pet your dog, ask you questions on the breed and want to compliment the dog. This also applies to mental health, some people are genuinely interested in your wellbeing, want to support you and tell you how well you are doing, so please please think before you cross a road or actively dismiss someone with mental health because the fear of the unknown, looses its fear when you start to think and understand. 

(yes dont worry im fully aware some people genuinely don’t like bigger breeds of dogs…)

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

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